despair

you can't just tell someone you want to commit suicide and expect that they are going to forget all about it.

your confession has burdened my heart so you're stuck with me and my rants. and after reading journey of desire and seeing you on almost every page there are lots. and lucky you i'm not even a third of the way through it yet.

"the pharisees knew more about the bible and it hardened their hearts. knowledge just isn't what it's cracked up to be."

and i want 'once upon a time...' like ever after.

your soul is dying and i'm filled with the joy of living.

jod talks about the titanic as the lovers stand on the prow. romance, beauty, adventure. eden. is that eden? is that why i always feel i belong in eden? because i want romance, beauty, adventure.

now this cracked me up. the prodigal son.
me - the prodigal coming home (to God) afer living a life apart from Him for so long. the pouting, party pooper (the other son) who has lived his entire life from duty and obligation.

i know the joy of my homecoming. he's angry (the other son) saying he hasn't got a thing in return for his life of service and Dad says "all that is mine has always been yours" in other words - he never asked. the dutiful son stands aside at the prodigal's homecoming and does not experience the fathers embrace.

think of God as a beautiful woman. you want her, you desire her. she stirs your passion, you're hungry for her. you go to seek your hearts desire. she responds to your seeking because it touches her hearts desire to be longed for. you're nonchalant, passionless, indifferent. if your hearts not in it why should His be?

if you're as passionate about God as you would be a rock, if you don't hunger for Him, if He's not your hearts desire, it's no wonder you have no joy. if you're only lukewarm is He going to spit you out of His mouth, Rev. 3:16, if you check out early on your terms.

get fired up. psalm 37:4 delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. He has become the desire of my heart and i am filled with joy. do you not ache for Him? do you not hunger for Him? like a woman, does a desire for Him not burn in your soul? are you so dead inside that there is not the slightest stirrings of desire?

i feel like a child in my simplicity, in just loving and being loved. i am rich with unquenchable joy.

you are worse than a pauper. you have a great deal of book learning but what has that given you. you have knowledge yet you have no hope, no joy.

you want to end your life to be with God. i am with God and i want to live my life for Him.

what are your dreams? what were your dreams?

you have a heart. can you feel it beating? or is it so lifeless you feel nothing?

how do you ever expect to find someone full of life that's wildly passionate about you. if you care nothing about life how can you care about God or anyone else.

this is said in love. do with it what you will. get angry if you want. but don't give up.