Father

i need to express my love to you. it's more than just saying i love You so much. how can i show You? what can i do for You? what can i do for You that would give You as much joy as You give me. it's not enough to just say words, even though they are from my heart. i need to do. please tell me what, tell me how.

please pray for me

they're getting bigger. a spider by the shower was about 3 inches across, the spider in the shower was curled up but it was big too. tonight jose called danny into their bedroom to show him something but told me not to come. that's a sure sign it's a big spider. he got the broom to kill it but came out saying it was gone - it had gone into the next bedroom, the other boys room. i told him if it could go from one bedroom to another it could come into mine - he went and killed it.

i wish i could tuck my net in under the mattress but i have an actual mattess and it overhangs the bed by about a foot and has several holes in it anyway. i was looking for a new net in san carlos but couldn't find one.

it's the same here as it is at home. the spiders disappear for the winter and come out in the summer. summer's coming and so are the really big spiders. and for those of you that don't know - they are fist sized. and for me it's more than fear - it's terror.

bus driver

i'm sure it was a God thing. the driver on the next bus i had to take was the same driver and i had danny with me. he was able to tell the driver that i had made a mistake and apologize and pay him the $1. he was quite happy and said no problem, he figured cuz i didn't speak spanish i had just misunderstood..

station x

jose has cancelled it - it's kinda hard to have music for the youth without a keyboard. it's too bad too cuz there were 50 kids at the last station x a couple of weeks ago. the number of kids had increased each week and as a result of station x a couple of kids had given their lives to Christ.

keyboard

the keyboard at church finally died and is apparently beyond repair so we haven't had music in church. jose plays acoustic guitar but it's not the same as having all the sounds of other instruments on the keyboard or as loud. anyone can get up in church and sing here but most people are like me. they make a joyful noise but not a beautiful noise and although it may be pleasing to God it can be really hard to listen to. as well as providing the music the keyboard helped cover up the noise.

chico

is such a hard worker. he does all the labour intensive work around here. he's planted a few rows of beans and other things out the back and pineapples in the front. he's gone before 5 am and doesn't return sometimes til late at night. or if it's a school day he returns for lunch then gets ready to go to school. he works on the farms picking or planting fruit and or vegetables fridays and saturdays. he goes to school at night by himself because he hasn't had previous education and would be so far behind the other kids. this family has taken him in but they don't have the means to pay for his education so this 16 year old boy walks 10 km to school every day at 3, works in the fields to put himself through school. he told me he dreamt that he was a pastor and was preaching in church. he plays sweet music on the keyboard but it doesn't work anymore.

shortchanged

yesterday i got on the bus, said my destination and paid my fare. santa rosa is a transfer station and after that you have to have a ticket or pay more money. i know the fares now and had noticed that some people got tickets and some didn't. i didn't but figured i didn't need 1. a short distance later i noticed the driver looking at me then his helper asked me for a ticket. i tried to tell him the driver hadn't given me one. he didn't speak any ingles and i couldn't explain myself but God to the rescue there was a girl beside me who spoke enough ingles to translate. the driver said i had paid 480 only to santa rosa. i said no i had paid 880 to go to san carlos. we both said we were sure of the amount paid, confirmed where i got on and where i was going. the driver decided to let it go and we continued on. needless to say when i got money out for the bus in san carlos and discovered i had made a mistake i felt awful. the worst part was that i wear a cross and it bothered me no end that anyone would think that anyone that would wear a cross that would signify their love for Christ would rip them off. i know i will see him again. then i will be able to pay him the 400 colones (just over $1) and if he did think i was a christian that ripped hiim off then he would understand that the significance of the cross does mean something. it may just be a $1 but the sin of the least is equal to the greater sin and He died for each one.

prayer

is not a formal thing that you wait to do just in church on sunday. it's like a man and woman when they fall in love, it's spending tender moments and hours with someone you love. it's sweet, and nauseating to some, when you call each other many times throughout the day just to say how much you love them. that's how prayer should be.

believe

the reason i say my daughter is not a christian, yet, is because God has His hooks in her. she just doesn't know it yet. depending on the prayer how long God will take to answer it. when it's a cry for help - it's immediate - He's right there, right now. when it's a prayer for something that's according to His will and He says in 1 tim 2.3 and 4 that He 'wants all men to be saved' believe and keep praying and believe. it won't be immediate but how much more would we love God for saving us from hell on earth than if our life had been a bed of roses. mark 11.24... whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it and it will be yours. although it's not a one time thing, otherwise God will think you are lukewarm and don't really mean it. it's like loving Him, if you don't tell Him and show Him that you love Him He'll think you don't really mean it.

then i think of all the people i know who have been divorced. how many of us have prayed and begged for a second chance, for reconciliation. how hard is it to believe when God doesn't answer prayer the way we want. as i write i am reminded of rom 8.28 'and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose' and this i do believe.

you don't know me

my daughter is not a christian, yet. last week she said that she knew me. she suggested maybe i should come home. she does know i have a humungous fear of spiders and suggested this might not be the best place to try and face my fears. this actually is the best place to face my fear. i am closer to God than i have ever been and i am closer to the biggest spiders i have ever seen in my life. if not with God where else could i face my fears.

i told her she doesn't know me any more. we haven't seen each other much over the past few years. i have only been a christian for 5 years (it's never too late to turn around a wasted life) and my biological family doesn't understand my love for God and my need to follow Him. i told her the people that know me now are my family in Christ. mat 12.45-50.

first love

my brother-in-law ed has been diagnosed with cancer. my sister became a christian about 30 years ago. this morning as i was praying for them i was praying that they would remember their first love and the words i said were but not at the sacrifice of a life. WHOA! stopped dead in my tracks. if not for the sacrifice of a life would we even have a first love. rev 3.16 ''so because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - i am about to spit you out of my mouth.' because she doesn't understand my need to follow Christ i wonder if she has forgotten her first love and has let that love grow cold. for as much as i pray for healing for ed, and i ask that you would pray for him as well, i pray that they would remember their first love.

summer vacation

starts dec 16. the boys say we will go swimming in the river. they jump out of trees and off the bank into the river and it's where one boy jumped out of the tree 2 years ago and split his head open when he hit a chunk of concrete in the river. it was very scary. we will be walking there, i think someone said it was about 3 1-2 kms or so. i will be praying all the way.

saprissa try-outs

are dec 15 and 16 and jonny and danny have been accepted. they are a couple of very happy, excited boys. i am going to san jose with the boys so i will miss the first day of the vision mundial program for the women. i'm disappointed about that but excited for the boys. this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for them and the vm program should be continuous so if God wants me to be involved in that area i'm sure He will work everything out. the boys last day of school is dec 15 so they will miss that too. although cr is a very tiny country it takes half a day or longer to get to san jose so we will have to leave the day before.

a new baby

pastor jose's wife had a baby girl on nov 23rd. mimi thinks she's about 3 kgs. everyone is well and very happy.

wear a smile

i didn't sleep well last night and although i wasn't really cranky i knew that i didn't wear a smile. it had been raining a lot and i wanted to go to los chiles to email shelby (it was her 13th birthday on the 23rd) to wish her a happy birthday but because of the heavy rains i knew the roads would be so muddy and slippery. maybe i was just feeling housebound. whatever. i knew that i wasn't wearing a face that would reveal the love and joy of Christ. i love walking to the highway cuz i talk to God almost the whole way. the first thing i told Him was that i didn't want to present a scowling face to everyone i see on my way. it was not a face of someone wanting to show the love of Christ. i never time His response to my prayers but i know it was pretty quick. just talking to Him gives me joy and a smile. so i was able to smile and wave at everyone on my walk. good thing too cuz when i walked by the house of the lady that helped me the other day everyone in the house leaned towards the door to wave and say adios. tonight walking home i waved and said see you later and the elderly lady waved and said see you later. i cracked up when i realized i had said see you later instead of adios. so i said adios and she cracked up and said adios. i left her laughing and wondering. if nothing else i'm a friendly hello to someone who otherwise might be lonely or ignored. i've noticed that not everyone says hi to everyone, like only to people they know. i don't know anyone and i say hi to everyone so i need to be smiling. i enjoy their waves and by their smiles i'm guessing they enjoy mine. at first they may have just thought i was a loca gringa, now they're probably convinced i am.

garbage

is one thing that drives me crazy here but its a cultural thing so i have to deal with it. there is no garbage pickup in the rural areas which is most of the country and everywhere i've been i see people droppig their garbage wherever they stand. all garbage is burned here, batteries, plastic, everything, and if you don't throw your garbage on the ground it means you have to take responsibility for disposing of it. and no one wants that or does that. if you leave it it will blow into someone else's yard (just like the leaves at home). the poorer families with dirt floors literally drop everything where they stand. i go to josefa's house and there may be orange peels all over the floor, as well as everything else. then they just sweep the dirt off dirt floor to a pile outside and burn it. the boys here don't throw everything on the floor but it annoys - surprises me when they leave everything on the floor when they place such high importance on personal cleanliness. the teachers are trying to change things at the school with signs all over the place.

missions - here i am - now what

reading ''decision making...'' about mission and the requirements for missionaries. well except for being available i shouldn't be here. according to what mission agencies want. i don't have a college degree, i don't have any training, i don't have any formal bible training, i don't know how to evangelize, i don't know how to witness, i don't have any experience in ministry, i don't know the language and i don't have any specialized skills.

when i read this i wondered what i'm doing here. i spend most of my reading time reading the bible instead of learning the language. am i qualified to be a 'missionary' - not at all. i used to spend hours on the internet looking for a mission agency that i could work with. they all wanted doctors, nurses, administrators, etc. i looked into taking a TESL course. you have to have a degree or be enrolled in a teaching position to be eligible to take it. i wanted to go but i couldn't find any ads looking for 'helpers' (my gift) i was reminded i could always pick up garbage. i was secretary to the police chief for a lot of years. some might think it a position of importance but last easter i got more joy picking up garbage after we served lunch at the gospel mission. i'm not 'qualified' to be here as a 'missionary' except that i love God more than anyone or anything else and i want others to love Him as much as i do. i haven't the slightest idea how to accomplish that. obviously no mission agency can use someone as unqualified as me.

maybe they can't use you either but God can if you will let him.

moths are drawn to the light

as people are drawn to people whose lives are lit by the light of Christ. i thought of this this am as jose was calling tica. he had an angry tone, the more he called the harsher his tone. the more she stayed hidden. i thought how you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i thought of the beauty you can see in the light that you can't see in the dark. people, nature, paintings, etc. don't hide your light. let the beauty of Christ be seen in your life. let your light shine before men that they too may know the joy of loving God.

walking by faith

blind people walk by faith. they trust in things they cannot see. why is it so hard for christians.

think of all the sins - commandments we wouldn't break if we walked by faith instead of by sight. lust, envy, greed, adultery, we wouldn't steal, we wouldn't covet.

why is it so hard to trust God when He has shown us how much He loves us.

and it rained for 40 days and 40 nights

or so it seems - just like home except here you really hear it. people will point to the sky and say agua (water), you hear a roar and then you see a wall of water advancing toward you. everyone runs for cover but it's usually so hot that a cool shower might feel good except that if you don't have an umbrella you are totally soaked and look like a drowned rat in 2 seconds. the boys played in it today - 3 games - the field is totally wrecked, now it's just a mud hole.

if the music isn't too loud you hear the roar and then you run to take all the clothes off the line.

i really don't know where all the water goes, we've had so much there should be floods but there aren't.