falling into the arms of God...

i got quite stoned today... on nitrous oxide at the dentist's office. when i was a kid my dentist ripped away part of my jaw bone as he was pulling a tooth so i am not comfortable going to the dentist.

as i was laying in the chair i was drifting into space and i started thinking of God... how if only my soul would let go of this body could i then just drift into the arms of God... it was like He was waiting... i could feel Him... it was very serene and beautiful... as i tried to see Him and couldn't... i realized my soul wasn't ready to depart and i had to struggle back to reality. the beauty of it made me wonder what it will be like when we die, when you take your last breath and wake up to see God... how incredibly amazing it will be... when our physical bodies are no longer needed and we are set free in the spiritual realm.

then i was just left with the gross feeling of a foggy head and nauseous stomache.

crying again...

5 years ago today i was bawling my eyes out because i was spending another birthday alone... and then i was filled with this incredible, amazing peace and i realized that my prayers had been answered and i had been blessed with God's grace and salvation.

today i am sitting here crying again as i contemplate leaving for costa rica in 8 more sleeps. i have an offer on my house and the subject removal is 9/29. my goal had been to return by 9/30. this is something i have been wanting and looking forward to for quite some time now. but my heart aches for my 3 precious grandchildren that i won't see. although my granddaughter told me 'i had to go' because she knew that's where my heart was, i am going to miss them terribly. how do i help them to understand that i didn't choose costa rica over them. i chose God and i am just following where i feel He is leading me. she has told me she wants to go on a mission trip to costa rica and more recently to thailand as well so i pray that as she feels this desire in her heart that she will understand mine.

my desire for costa rica

i've wondered why i have this huge desire to go to costa rica for a year. why i've quit my job... why i'm selling my house... at first i thought maybe i would volunteer with world vision... then i found as i was telling people this that i was convicted for presuming to know what i was going to do for a year... then i thought maybe it was for a certain family down there... again i am being convicted for presuming to know what God has planned for me for the next year. when i really thought about it i realized i haven't a clue why i'm going... except maybe to spend more time with God, getting to know Him more, growing more into the person He wants me to be. the only thing i do feel certain about is this desire to be there is from God. there are HUMUNGOUS spiders in cr and i am terrified of them but i keep going back... when i wake in the middle of the night i can hear the rats scurrying around... when i get into bed at night there are rat droppings on my bed... last march one was on my bed with me... when asked i have felt the need to give people a reason why i'm going... forgive me Father for presuming to know Your will... i don't have one... i'm just going.

today i'm a helper

sushi said she figured i was a helper... well today i am... i guess it all depends on your response to the questions. i scored equally as a 'peacemaker' "they typically have problems with inertia"... i think i've noticed that.

Helper - Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Basic Desire: To feel loved... isn't that the basic fear/desire of everyone?



free enneagram test

looking for love in all the wrong places...

speaking as one who did this all my life... i never found it... in any of the wrong places. so many of us are consumed with the need to fill our lives with a significant other not realizing that the only one that can completely fill us is God. i have friends that are hurting in their loneliness because they haven't discovered that God is who they need. they may know it in their head but aren't accepting, believing, feeling it in their hearts. i have friends that get in relationships because they feel they need that relationship to be whole, complete or just to keep them from their loneliness. my heart aches for them because they haven't discovered that their heavenly Father wants to and can fill that emptiness. He's the only one that can. this doesn't mean that we won't want to fall in love and be married... it means that we won't depend on another for our joy if we are getting it from the source of all love and joy, God. it also means that maybe we won't fall apart as much if we are dependent on God to complete us, if that person that we have basically given control of lives to for our love and joy leaves us. don't settle for anything less than the best... God won't let you down... we might but He won't... we might leave you... He never will... we can't love you enough but He loves you so intensely, so completely, so intimately, if only you will let Him. no one else can fill that role that only He can fill so completely. in our obsessive search for a mate we are living a life of loneliness, we are missing out on the joy of the perfect Love... so many lonely, broken hearts... if only they knew... if only they believed... Father help us to believe.

a perfect love

this was my comment on brander's blog about God and codependency and i was having problems with it so i put it on mine.

if we are waiting for anyone other than God to complete us it'll never happen. no one can love us enough... we and they may think or hope it'll happen but it won't. if we are waiting for a perfect love... there is only One and we already have it. we can't lay our need for fulfillment at another's feet because no one will ever be able to completely fill our need but God. we will never be perfect enough for anyone to love us so completely as God does. we may love others and we may be loved by others but only God loves us so completely as to allow us the freedom to know utter joy solely in our relationship with Him. God created us to need fellowship with others but He created us with a deep need for Him and until we realize that, believe it and accept it that only He completes us we will long for someone to complete us and be left wanting... i have Him, i know He completes me and yet i want more of Him... at times my longing for Him is like a sweet agony... He fills me up and my heart is bursting with joy...
teri

daily devotionals

"I am conscious of God all the time because I have to be or I fly apart at the center. I have nothing to hold onto without Him."

taken from THE PURPOSE-DRIVEN® LIFE Daily Devotional 04.09.15

you can subscribe to it on-line at purposedrivenlife.com. it's a great devotional and website.

I need to be still

i love this song... it's posted on my fridge. sometimes when i'm struggling with stuff i sing this to remind myself that...

I need to be still and let God love me
I need to be still and let God love me
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me

When there’s trouble all around me and my soul cries out for rest
When I feel that I’m failin’ even though I’ve done my best
When decisions get so heavy and there are answers that I need
I know it’s time to just be still and let God love me.

I need to relax and let God take over
I need to relax and let God take over
He’ll take this load off of my shoulders
I need to relax and let God take over

I need to be still and let God love me
I need to be still and let God love me
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me

8 Ways to Encourage Your Pastor

Simple acts that feed a shepherd.

Sometimes pastors are the loneliest people in the church. Often their hours are long, the pay minimal, the criticism considerable and constant. Feelings of disappointment, discouragement, and defeat may begin to plague the best of them.

Paul's admonition to "serve one another in love" (Gal. 5:13 ) should encourage us to remember our shepherds. Here are eight ways to make their lives better.

1. Cut the criticism
Presbyterian minister Fred Rogers, creator and host of television's "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood," recently gave an address describing the time he was a student at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and attended a different church each Sunday in order to hear a variety of preachers.

One Sunday he was treated to "the most poorly crafted sermon (he) had ever heard." But when he turned to the friend who had accompanied him, he found her in tears.

"It was exactly what I needed to hear," she told Rogers.

"That's when I realized," he told his audience, "that the space between someone doing the best he or she can and someone in need is holy ground. The Holy Spirit had transformed that feeble sermon for her——and as it turned out, for me too."

Unlike most workers who are evaluated once or twice a year, clergy are often critiqued weekly after each worship service. It's not unusual to hear people say "the music was poor," "the hymn selection was awful," or "the sermon was boring." We would do well to remember that most spiritual leaders work hard to make worship a unique celebration each week.

2. Pray regularly
Ask God to shower your pastor with an abundance of love, hope, joy, faith, peace, power, wisdom, and courage. Pray for your spiritual leader's maturity and growth in the faith. As you pray keep in mind this wisdom from German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: "If you treat a person as he is, he will stay as he is; but if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be, he will become what he ought to be and could be."

3. Express appreciation in writing
A spoken compliment is always welcome, but a written one can be read over and over again for years. So, when you hear or see something you like from your minister, write an appreciative note.

4. Use your skills to bless
Are you proficient with computers? Help your pastor master the church's new computer. Are you a mechanic? Offer to service the car free of charge or at a reduced fee.

One pastor I know recalls: "I was pastoring my first church——a small congregation with limited resources. While there, I developed a series of dental problems and could not afford treatment. What a joy it was when a dentist in the church offered to treat me for free. Correcting my dental problem involved nearly a dozen visits. He treated me carefully and cheerfully each time. I have thought of that dentist many times since then and the memories of his kindness continue to bless my life."

5. Squelch gossip
If you hear a negative comment, respond with a positive one. If misinformation is being spread, correct it with the accurate information. Or, if people are gossiping, just walk away. Remember the Bible soundly condemns gossip and careless speech. James 1:26 says, "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." And Psalm 34:13 reads, "Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies."
6. Offer to meet a need
Some people make their spiritual leaders defensive and angry by saying, "You need to ……" That approach is seldom welcome and almost always counterproductive. If you see a need, approach your spiritual leader by saying, "I'd like to help by ……" If you see an area that can be improved, take responsibility for working on it.

Be an active participant in your church. Get involved by teaching a class, leading a workshop, singing in the choir, feeding the hungry. Ask your spiritual leader where and how you can employ your gifts.

7. Be openly responsive
Nothing so animates and excites a spiritual leader as seeing people respond to the preaching and teaching. Imagine the surprise and delight of a pastor in Virginia Beach, Virginia, who, when greeting a visitor to his church, found she came because of the kindness of a church member who was her neighbor.

"I'm recently divorced, a single parent and new to this community," she told the pastor. "To keep up with rent and provide for my three children, I must work two jobs. That leaves me very little time for yard work. I was relieved when the weeds didn't overrun my yard as I had feared they might. However, when I made an unscheduled trip home in the middle of my workday, I discovered the reason why the weeds had not taken over my yard.

"My 86-year-old neighbor——a member of your church——was on his hands and knees pulling my weeds. I barely knew this man and he was embarrassed to be caught in this anonymous act of kindness. He explained that he heard you preach a sermon on the importance of living a life of compassion and kindness and decided to put that sermon into practice by weeding my lawn."

One pastor's heart filled with joy when a group of women in Washington, D.C., responded to a sermon preached from the words of Jesus——"Do not judge, or you too will be judged" (Matt. 7:1). After hearing the sermon, the women decided to give a baby shower for the young woman who provided childcare while they met for Bible study. She was unmarried, close to going on welfare, and without support from her family or the father-to-be. The young woman was moved to tears by the surprise baby shower.

Later, the women explained to the pastor, "Your sermon taught us that it's possible to reach out to someone in need——in this case, an unwed mother——without judging or condoning the situation."

8. Throw away the measuring stick
Don't expect that your present spiritual leaders will do things the same way their predecessors did. Lay aside personal agendas and preferences. Instead, focus on how your leader is being used by God to do effective ministry now. By serving your shepherds, you will ensure that they will not only be encouraged but will feel appreciated and continue to minister with enthusiasm and energy.

A friend is someone who stays with you in the bad weather of life, guards you when you are off your guard, restrains your impetuosity, delights in your wholeness, forgives your failures, does not forsake you when others let you down.

The friendship of Jesus enables us to see others as he saw the apostles: flawed by good children of the Father. ——Brennan Manning

Christian Reader, September/October 1999

still going to cr

last night i had a call from a friend i hadn't seen in years. i had sent her an email telling her i was going to costa rica for a year. she very seriously told me i needed to contact a counsellor because i was displaying psychotic, obsessive / compulsive, addictive behaviour. she said that religion could be as bad a drug as heroin and cause people to think and act irrationally. ok so this move may not be right for everyone but God has put it on my heart to follow Him so i will. she pointed out that the words i had used were not my words but someone else's. i used another's words because i don't articulate well. i love God from the deepest part of my being and i want to serve Him wherever / however He wants to use me according to His will. she couldn't shake my faith and sadly i couldn't dent her convictions.

to my dear friend...

i don't know what to tell you except that i love you. i know that might not mean much when you're struggling. last april/may was really hard for me. it was the first time i had depression since becoming a christian.

i don't know how to convince someone of their worth, their beauty, how precious and loved they really are but i do know from experience last year that all the feelings of worthlessness, failure, all the crap i was believing about myself wasn't from God and it wasn't until howard reminded me about taking every thought captive to God that i realized all the crap was from satan and i was believing him. in believing him i was not believing God. wrong!! once i realized that i was believing the father of lies who wants to destroy me instead of my heavenly Father that loves me i started healing. i started believing and trusting God and it's been uphill since then.

scattered

free enneagram test

i took the personality test (the free one) on susy's blog and found that i am type 7, the enthusiast. i guess it describes me pretty well, busy, fun-loving, spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive (not this one) and SCATTERED. now i know that's me.

i'm selling my house to move to costa rica and had a couple of realtors coming over to the house this morning to take a look and get the listing. i knew i had to tidy the house before they got here. it had been suggested that i put away items of a personal nature so when prospective buyers came to look at the house they could more easily envision it with their personal belongings. so with that in mind i decided to put family pictures away. first i needed newspaper to wrap the pictures in so i laid that out on the counter. as i was flipping the pages i saw an article on a fabric sale which made me think i had to email a friend to tell them of the sale. when i came to the computer another friend was on messenger so i started talking to her. i forgot to email the first friend about the fabric sale, i didn't get the pictures wrapped in newspaper, and i didn't finish reading the paper. by the time the realtors got here i had started several things but had finished none. when i went for physio i told a friend about my personality type. she laughed and said that she didn't need a quiz to tell her i was scattered. when i was in costa rica in march my nickname was where's waldo. it seems they're always wondering where i am. i don't know why. when the pastor sent a letter to each team member going to cr she said 'look after each other....(don't lose teri)' i go somewhere to get something and forget what i went for & have to retrace my steps hoping to remember. i make a list of things to do or buy and forget where i put the list or to take it with me. i sometimes have a problem with punctuality. i leave my house a lot of times only to return because i have forgotten something i needed. i don't know how i lasted 26 years in the same job, except that as one friend put it - i could spell well.

to stand or to sit

some time ago several comments were made on scott's blog about whether or not men and boys should be peeing while standing or sitting. while in costa rica last month i sat on a wet seat on more than one occasion (there are 6 boys in the house + the dad) i started to think that maybe they should sit. that was until i discovered the reason for the wet seat was the torrential rain that was so heavy it was actually raining inside the house. i was glad because i was able to revert back to my original thinking that it just doesn't seem right for the men to be sitting.

oh no...

ok now that i've got my own blog i can say whatever i want. you don't have to read it and if you don't like what i say too bad. God didn't put me on this earth to please you. love you yes, please you no. oh no she's going to get verbal diarrhea and we won't be able to shut her up.

joy

most of my friends are struggling with various issues in their lives, feelings of insecurity, relationships, divorce, depression, finances, abuse, alcohol, etc. you name it and someone is struggling with it. mostly they don't want to talk about it. sharing their pain with others is hard. painful emotions surface and we would rather stuff them than have to deal with them. been there done that. i've lived through all these same issues and struggled to survive them.

and i have survived them because i have a loving God that wouldn't let me go. He believed in me when i didn't believe in myself, He carried me when i wasn't able to walk, He delivered me from guilt before i even knew Him, He has delivered me from shame, He has delivered me from worry, He has delivered me from all the burdens He never wants any of us to carry. and He has given me joy. incredible, amazing joy. having joy is hard when others are struggling. i have to contain myself. no one else feels it and i feel alone because i have no one to share it with.

two nights ago i was searching for a blog where i could tell someone, anyone, anonymously, how joyful i am, how loved i know i am because i have an awesome, intimate relationship with my heavenly Father. i wonder frequently why i am so blessed. i know in myself that i am not worthy of this awesome love but because i am His child He considers me worthy and i believe it. He fills my heart with His love and i am complete. i am so nothing without Him but i am everything with Him. i am loved, i am worthy, i am beautiful, i am valuable, i am a new creation in Christ. if God is "I AM" and He is loved, worthy, beautiful, valuable, in Christ and Christ is in us does it not make sense that we are.

ok i'm rambling but i just wish i could convince my family (new heights - that's you) that they are loved, worthy, beautiful, valuable and a new creation, complete in Christ.

moving to costa rica

in case you've wondered - no i'm not insane (i copied this for the benefit of my family who seem to think i must be insane and have told me i'm selfish and will alienate people by moving to costa rica)

but this is how i feel

Christ Must Be Our Top Priority

In other words, we are fit to be Jesus' disciples only when our love for Him surpasses our attachment to the most precious things in our life and we obey Him even at the cost of being misunderstood. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Christian life is easy or that our believing friends and family will agree with us. In fact, our faith journey may well be a painful process.

"I want my children to follow the Lord

"I want God to use my children

In other words, our love relationship must be in the correct priority order: Jesus Christ above everybody else and everything else, no matter what.

God will never ask us to do something contradictory to Scripture or inconsistent with Jesus' life. The assignment He gives might seem ridiculous in the eyes of the world, but it will be totally compatible with biblical teachings.

"Okay, Lord, I am willing"

Ask yourself, To what am I attached? There is nothing wrong with enjoying relationships or belongings as long as possessions and emotional attachments do not supersede the Lord in importance.

The truth is, you and I must be available to do whatever God says and to go wherever He directs, at any moment, regardless of what His choice may be.

To be God's disciples, we must detach from this world and be attached to Christ—not to possessions, ideologies, or relationships. We must follow Jesus, whatever the cost, even if it means turning down career advancement or breaking off a relationship.

"So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions." There must come a time in your life when you say, "God, it's all Yours. Do with it as You choose.

Do you desire to be the Lord's disciple?

Then attach yourself to the Savior, and make Him your number one priority.

Adapted from Dr. Stanley's message "The Price of Discipleship."

finally - what you've all been waiting for - not!

at the suggestion of a couple of friends i decided to blog, if only to keep in touch with everyone for the next year.

don't expect any witty conversation - i am more expressive with my emotions.