waking the dead by john eldredge

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. we ask ourselves who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of God. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us... and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (nelson mandela)

when i first read this quote, i thought, no, that's not true. we don't fear our glory. we fear we are not glorious at all. we fear that at bottom, we are going to be revealed as ... disappointments. mandela is just trying to make a nice speech, like a sermon, to buoy us up for a day or two. but as i thought about it more, i realized we do fear our glory. we fear even heading in this direction because for one thing, it seems prideful. now pride is a bad thing, to be sure, but it's not prideful to embrace the truth that you bear the image of God. paul says it brings glory to God. we walk in humility because we know it is a glory bestowed. it reflects something of the Lord's glory.

the deeper reason we fear our own glory is that once we let others see it, they will have seen the truest us, and that is nakedness indeed. we can repent of our sin. we can work on our 'issues' but there is nothing to be 'done' about our glory. it's so naked. it's just there - the truest us. it is an awkward thing to shimmer when everyone else around you is not, to walk in your glory with an unveiled face when everyone else is veiling his. for a woman to be truly feminine and beautiful is to invite suspicion, jealousy, misunderstanding. a friend confided in me 'when you walk into a room, every woman looks at you to see - are you prettier than they are? are you a threat?

and that is why living from your glory is the only loving thing to do. you cannot love another person from a false self. you cannot love another while you are still hiding. how can you help them to freedom while you remain captive? you cannot love another unless you offer her your heart. it takes courage to live from your heart. my friend jenny said just the other day 'i desperately want to be who i am. i don't want the glory that i marvel at in others anymore. i want to be that glory which God set in me.

finally, our deepest fear of all... we will need to live from it. to admit we do have a new heart and a glory from God, to begin to let it be unveiled and embrace it as true - that means the next thing God will do is ask us to live from it. come out of the boat. take the throne. be what he meant us to be. and that feels risky.. really risky. but it is also exciting. it is coming fully alive. my friend morgan declared. it's a risk worth taking. (waking the dead by john eldredge)

i can read this now without crying but when i first read this this afternoon, wow it was a flood of tears.

i don't have a lot of friends. a few women friends, only a couple of men friends, husbands of friends. for most of my life i have been treated with suspicion, jealousy, misunderstanding. treated by other women as a threat. i am not comfortable with most men because for most of my life they wanted something from me. and it was not friendship.

what is my glory? my joy? i was once told i should temper that because most people didn't have it.