cancer

in 2006 i was diagnosed with follicular lymphoma, a form of non-hodgkins disease. i was told it was stage iv, in my bone marrow, it was terminal, there was no cure, that it was slow growing and i had 7 - 10 years. when the surgeon who had performed the biopsy told me this i smiled and said ok :o). he said he'd never had anyone smile when they were diagnosed with terminal cancer. i smiled again. Jesus is the Prince of Peace and He has given me absolute peace the entire time. last year a friend said no wonder i had so much joy i knew i was going home. i had asked God a few years ago if He was going to heal me and i thought He said no. ok. i was ok with that. i was looking forward to going home. i keep going up for prayer when i'm at different places and have asked for prayer because it's been hard for me to ask for prayer for myself. i travail for other people in prayer but not for myself. 2 weeks ago i asked God again if He was going to heal me and i have told Him i don't like yes or no answers. He said I'm not. ok. :o) total peace. like paul said to live is Christ, to die is gain. Phil 1.21 It's hard not to think i would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 2Cor 5.8 when i told a friend that God had "I'm not" going to heal me she asked how i felt about that. i told her "But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." after this i talked to a lady that had prayed for me and she said she and others believed God was going to heal me. i started thinking about God's Word and over and over He says we are healed. i started thinking that what i heard God say did not line up with His Word and started talking to Him about it. i talk to Him but He, other than a word here and there has been silent for 2 years since oct 31. nov 7 last year God told me to be still and then followed with just wait, be patient, wait, soon, wait, wait, wait. since He has been silent i have no idea what i'm waiting for. He has told me i will have a husband. am i waiting for healing, a husband or heaven, a ministry. 11/4 reading in touch mag it talked about clinging to the promises of God. i asked the Holy Spirit to point out applicable promises for my life and Ps 103 came to mind. praise the Lord who heals all our diseases. as i was looking for some scripture john 5:6 almost jumped off the page at me. Jesus asking the invalid at bethesda pool if he wanted to get well. whoa! it was like He was asking me. and it wasn't even underlined or highlited. i really had to think about it and couldn't honestly say yes. this morning i woke up sad for the first time in years. i knew that wasn't from God. i allowed myself to be sad for a bit then told it to get lost. when i went to church i thought i needed to talk to the lady that leads prayer and wrote myself a note thinking i would send her an email later. after service she came to me because God had told her to. she said i needed to come to the prayer nights because they had to contend for my healing. we talked for a bit and she asked if i wanted to get well. i still couldn't honestly say yes. like she said there's no point in praying for my healing if i am not in it. i had a ct scan 3 weeks ago and was told the cancer is progressing in my organs. the gp and oncologist said i should have chemo or radiation. but they've also told me that it won't cure me only treat the symptoms. and recently two people have been told that their heart conditions were caused by chemo. why would i want it? i love God more than my life. Abba if You're not finished with me yet please change my heart.