Failing God

I wonder if “but only for one day” and “give her a home” were tests preparing me for what God is bringing me to. I had thanked God for ‘bringing me home’ the second day in Costa Rica when God called me to live there. And I had asked God if He wanted to say something to the homeless woman last week. My first act of disobedience to His specific word to me when I stayed 15 months instead of 12 gave me a feeling of purposelessness. Later realizing it was a result of my disobedience to His clearly spoken word I determined I never wanted to disobey again. Last week when I realized I’d done it again I was crushed. God knows the end from the beginning and knew that I would not obey. Each time I asked for His forgiveness He forgave me and restored me. These major fails and God’s amazing grace were so different from when I had depression in 2003 believing a continuous tape playing in my head that I had failed God. It was so crushing to the point of depression to the point of wanting to commit suicide. When I finally recognized that it was a spiritual attack and a lie from the pit of hell my healing/deliverance were almost instant. Although He did not cause it God allowed it but true to His word He did not allow more than I could handle. Whatever you are going through trust God, He really is working things out for good for those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose. He will not give you more than you can handle and He will test you to prove your faith Hebrews 11:17. He will test us to refine us Psalm 66:10. God tested Abraham and Abraham trusted God Gen 22:1,8. God tests us to grow our faith and trust in Him. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him. Proverbs 3:5. My soul was overwhelmed with sorrow when it was from the enemy, my spirit was so crushed continually thinking I had failed God but God saves those who are crushed in spirit Psalm 34:18. Nothing hurts more than believing I’ve failed God. I pray I would not do so again. I do fail on a regular basis trying to live according to His written word and wish/pray that I wouldn’t. I pray I would not have a major fail again, that when He speaks I won’t question Him, I will simply obey. Because to love Him is to obey. And I do so love Him.