Father

i need to express my love to you. it's more than just saying i love You so much. how can i show You? what can i do for You? what can i do for You that would give You as much joy as You give me. it's not enough to just say words, even though they are from my heart. i need to do. please tell me what, tell me how.

please pray for me

they're getting bigger. a spider by the shower was about 3 inches across, the spider in the shower was curled up but it was big too. tonight jose called danny into their bedroom to show him something but told me not to come. that's a sure sign it's a big spider. he got the broom to kill it but came out saying it was gone - it had gone into the next bedroom, the other boys room. i told him if it could go from one bedroom to another it could come into mine - he went and killed it.

i wish i could tuck my net in under the mattress but i have an actual mattess and it overhangs the bed by about a foot and has several holes in it anyway. i was looking for a new net in san carlos but couldn't find one.

it's the same here as it is at home. the spiders disappear for the winter and come out in the summer. summer's coming and so are the really big spiders. and for those of you that don't know - they are fist sized. and for me it's more than fear - it's terror.

bus driver

i'm sure it was a God thing. the driver on the next bus i had to take was the same driver and i had danny with me. he was able to tell the driver that i had made a mistake and apologize and pay him the $1. he was quite happy and said no problem, he figured cuz i didn't speak spanish i had just misunderstood..

station x

jose has cancelled it - it's kinda hard to have music for the youth without a keyboard. it's too bad too cuz there were 50 kids at the last station x a couple of weeks ago. the number of kids had increased each week and as a result of station x a couple of kids had given their lives to Christ.

keyboard

the keyboard at church finally died and is apparently beyond repair so we haven't had music in church. jose plays acoustic guitar but it's not the same as having all the sounds of other instruments on the keyboard or as loud. anyone can get up in church and sing here but most people are like me. they make a joyful noise but not a beautiful noise and although it may be pleasing to God it can be really hard to listen to. as well as providing the music the keyboard helped cover up the noise.

chico

is such a hard worker. he does all the labour intensive work around here. he's planted a few rows of beans and other things out the back and pineapples in the front. he's gone before 5 am and doesn't return sometimes til late at night. or if it's a school day he returns for lunch then gets ready to go to school. he works on the farms picking or planting fruit and or vegetables fridays and saturdays. he goes to school at night by himself because he hasn't had previous education and would be so far behind the other kids. this family has taken him in but they don't have the means to pay for his education so this 16 year old boy walks 10 km to school every day at 3, works in the fields to put himself through school. he told me he dreamt that he was a pastor and was preaching in church. he plays sweet music on the keyboard but it doesn't work anymore.

shortchanged

yesterday i got on the bus, said my destination and paid my fare. santa rosa is a transfer station and after that you have to have a ticket or pay more money. i know the fares now and had noticed that some people got tickets and some didn't. i didn't but figured i didn't need 1. a short distance later i noticed the driver looking at me then his helper asked me for a ticket. i tried to tell him the driver hadn't given me one. he didn't speak any ingles and i couldn't explain myself but God to the rescue there was a girl beside me who spoke enough ingles to translate. the driver said i had paid 480 only to santa rosa. i said no i had paid 880 to go to san carlos. we both said we were sure of the amount paid, confirmed where i got on and where i was going. the driver decided to let it go and we continued on. needless to say when i got money out for the bus in san carlos and discovered i had made a mistake i felt awful. the worst part was that i wear a cross and it bothered me no end that anyone would think that anyone that would wear a cross that would signify their love for Christ would rip them off. i know i will see him again. then i will be able to pay him the 400 colones (just over $1) and if he did think i was a christian that ripped hiim off then he would understand that the significance of the cross does mean something. it may just be a $1 but the sin of the least is equal to the greater sin and He died for each one.

prayer

is not a formal thing that you wait to do just in church on sunday. it's like a man and woman when they fall in love, it's spending tender moments and hours with someone you love. it's sweet, and nauseating to some, when you call each other many times throughout the day just to say how much you love them. that's how prayer should be.

believe

the reason i say my daughter is not a christian, yet, is because God has His hooks in her. she just doesn't know it yet. depending on the prayer how long God will take to answer it. when it's a cry for help - it's immediate - He's right there, right now. when it's a prayer for something that's according to His will and He says in 1 tim 2.3 and 4 that He 'wants all men to be saved' believe and keep praying and believe. it won't be immediate but how much more would we love God for saving us from hell on earth than if our life had been a bed of roses. mark 11.24... whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it and it will be yours. although it's not a one time thing, otherwise God will think you are lukewarm and don't really mean it. it's like loving Him, if you don't tell Him and show Him that you love Him He'll think you don't really mean it.

then i think of all the people i know who have been divorced. how many of us have prayed and begged for a second chance, for reconciliation. how hard is it to believe when God doesn't answer prayer the way we want. as i write i am reminded of rom 8.28 'and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose' and this i do believe.

you don't know me

my daughter is not a christian, yet. last week she said that she knew me. she suggested maybe i should come home. she does know i have a humungous fear of spiders and suggested this might not be the best place to try and face my fears. this actually is the best place to face my fear. i am closer to God than i have ever been and i am closer to the biggest spiders i have ever seen in my life. if not with God where else could i face my fears.

i told her she doesn't know me any more. we haven't seen each other much over the past few years. i have only been a christian for 5 years (it's never too late to turn around a wasted life) and my biological family doesn't understand my love for God and my need to follow Him. i told her the people that know me now are my family in Christ. mat 12.45-50.

first love

my brother-in-law ed has been diagnosed with cancer. my sister became a christian about 30 years ago. this morning as i was praying for them i was praying that they would remember their first love and the words i said were but not at the sacrifice of a life. WHOA! stopped dead in my tracks. if not for the sacrifice of a life would we even have a first love. rev 3.16 ''so because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - i am about to spit you out of my mouth.' because she doesn't understand my need to follow Christ i wonder if she has forgotten her first love and has let that love grow cold. for as much as i pray for healing for ed, and i ask that you would pray for him as well, i pray that they would remember their first love.

summer vacation

starts dec 16. the boys say we will go swimming in the river. they jump out of trees and off the bank into the river and it's where one boy jumped out of the tree 2 years ago and split his head open when he hit a chunk of concrete in the river. it was very scary. we will be walking there, i think someone said it was about 3 1-2 kms or so. i will be praying all the way.

saprissa try-outs

are dec 15 and 16 and jonny and danny have been accepted. they are a couple of very happy, excited boys. i am going to san jose with the boys so i will miss the first day of the vision mundial program for the women. i'm disappointed about that but excited for the boys. this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for them and the vm program should be continuous so if God wants me to be involved in that area i'm sure He will work everything out. the boys last day of school is dec 15 so they will miss that too. although cr is a very tiny country it takes half a day or longer to get to san jose so we will have to leave the day before.

a new baby

pastor jose's wife had a baby girl on nov 23rd. mimi thinks she's about 3 kgs. everyone is well and very happy.

wear a smile

i didn't sleep well last night and although i wasn't really cranky i knew that i didn't wear a smile. it had been raining a lot and i wanted to go to los chiles to email shelby (it was her 13th birthday on the 23rd) to wish her a happy birthday but because of the heavy rains i knew the roads would be so muddy and slippery. maybe i was just feeling housebound. whatever. i knew that i wasn't wearing a face that would reveal the love and joy of Christ. i love walking to the highway cuz i talk to God almost the whole way. the first thing i told Him was that i didn't want to present a scowling face to everyone i see on my way. it was not a face of someone wanting to show the love of Christ. i never time His response to my prayers but i know it was pretty quick. just talking to Him gives me joy and a smile. so i was able to smile and wave at everyone on my walk. good thing too cuz when i walked by the house of the lady that helped me the other day everyone in the house leaned towards the door to wave and say adios. tonight walking home i waved and said see you later and the elderly lady waved and said see you later. i cracked up when i realized i had said see you later instead of adios. so i said adios and she cracked up and said adios. i left her laughing and wondering. if nothing else i'm a friendly hello to someone who otherwise might be lonely or ignored. i've noticed that not everyone says hi to everyone, like only to people they know. i don't know anyone and i say hi to everyone so i need to be smiling. i enjoy their waves and by their smiles i'm guessing they enjoy mine. at first they may have just thought i was a loca gringa, now they're probably convinced i am.

garbage

is one thing that drives me crazy here but its a cultural thing so i have to deal with it. there is no garbage pickup in the rural areas which is most of the country and everywhere i've been i see people droppig their garbage wherever they stand. all garbage is burned here, batteries, plastic, everything, and if you don't throw your garbage on the ground it means you have to take responsibility for disposing of it. and no one wants that or does that. if you leave it it will blow into someone else's yard (just like the leaves at home). the poorer families with dirt floors literally drop everything where they stand. i go to josefa's house and there may be orange peels all over the floor, as well as everything else. then they just sweep the dirt off dirt floor to a pile outside and burn it. the boys here don't throw everything on the floor but it annoys - surprises me when they leave everything on the floor when they place such high importance on personal cleanliness. the teachers are trying to change things at the school with signs all over the place.

missions - here i am - now what

reading ''decision making...'' about mission and the requirements for missionaries. well except for being available i shouldn't be here. according to what mission agencies want. i don't have a college degree, i don't have any training, i don't have any formal bible training, i don't know how to evangelize, i don't know how to witness, i don't have any experience in ministry, i don't know the language and i don't have any specialized skills.

when i read this i wondered what i'm doing here. i spend most of my reading time reading the bible instead of learning the language. am i qualified to be a 'missionary' - not at all. i used to spend hours on the internet looking for a mission agency that i could work with. they all wanted doctors, nurses, administrators, etc. i looked into taking a TESL course. you have to have a degree or be enrolled in a teaching position to be eligible to take it. i wanted to go but i couldn't find any ads looking for 'helpers' (my gift) i was reminded i could always pick up garbage. i was secretary to the police chief for a lot of years. some might think it a position of importance but last easter i got more joy picking up garbage after we served lunch at the gospel mission. i'm not 'qualified' to be here as a 'missionary' except that i love God more than anyone or anything else and i want others to love Him as much as i do. i haven't the slightest idea how to accomplish that. obviously no mission agency can use someone as unqualified as me.

maybe they can't use you either but God can if you will let him.

moths are drawn to the light

as people are drawn to people whose lives are lit by the light of Christ. i thought of this this am as jose was calling tica. he had an angry tone, the more he called the harsher his tone. the more she stayed hidden. i thought how you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i thought of the beauty you can see in the light that you can't see in the dark. people, nature, paintings, etc. don't hide your light. let the beauty of Christ be seen in your life. let your light shine before men that they too may know the joy of loving God.

walking by faith

blind people walk by faith. they trust in things they cannot see. why is it so hard for christians.

think of all the sins - commandments we wouldn't break if we walked by faith instead of by sight. lust, envy, greed, adultery, we wouldn't steal, we wouldn't covet.

why is it so hard to trust God when He has shown us how much He loves us.

and it rained for 40 days and 40 nights

or so it seems - just like home except here you really hear it. people will point to the sky and say agua (water), you hear a roar and then you see a wall of water advancing toward you. everyone runs for cover but it's usually so hot that a cool shower might feel good except that if you don't have an umbrella you are totally soaked and look like a drowned rat in 2 seconds. the boys played in it today - 3 games - the field is totally wrecked, now it's just a mud hole.

if the music isn't too loud you hear the roar and then you run to take all the clothes off the line.

i really don't know where all the water goes, we've had so much there should be floods but there aren't.

gallina

is one of the boys friends (he's 17 years old) that spends weekends with us. the first time he was here the boys didn't come to church. jonny said because gallina wasn't a christian. the pastor also stays here most church nights. one night he was talking to gallina about God. the next day i asked gallina if he liked what the pastor said and he said yes. tonight i asked him to go to church with me. he didn't know what to say so danny said it for him - are you crazy - there's a soccer game on. so i asked him to go with me next saturday. he said yes. cool! i have made his breakfast and dinner several times, he likes my coffee and i stand on the sidelines to give the boys drinks of water when they are playing soccer in the hot sun. and people say i'm always smiling. i think he's ready for more.

where is God when i need Him

everywhere, right beside me, every time i call. He's just waiting for me to call on Him, like He knows exactly what i need before i ask and He's just waiting for me to ask. He really wants to give you what you need but He really wants you to ask Him. He may not give you what you want but He'll always give you what you need. and He may not give you what you need exactly as you think you need it but He will come through, with what you need, when you need it. one day last week i was really desperate and cried out to God for help. He didn't help me the way i expected, He did one better. as He blessed me i was able to bless someone else and we both gave Him thanks and praise.

as i walk along the road to the highway i always wave at people and say adios - in spanish it means a Dios - to God. that morning i smiled at a lady and we both said adios. as i walked home later that day and needed help it was to her door that God took me. He blew me away again.

earthquake

in case you heard there was one here it wasn't near where we are. it was at a beach community called parrito, near quepos, near jaco. 6.1 on the richter scale. over 500 homes damaged. marcos phoned us in the middle of the night cuz their house was shaking in san jose.

racism

is such an ugly word. last nite we watched bad boys ll. when the movie started jose asked me if liked black people. it sounded so strange. i had been here several weeks when i saw a man that was so dark brown he was almost black. it was then that i realized these were ''coloured'' people.

a few friendships have developed since we've been coming here and someone mentioned one day having beautiful brown babies.

it hadn't occurred to me that we were 'different'. i see the warmth in their eyes and their beautiful smiles.

i can't imagine having such an ugly heart as to see any one here or anywhere hate someone for the colour of their skin.

and yet it happens. even here. costa ricans don't like nicaraguans. why? they are the same colour, they speak the same language. they are poor.

as it turned out jose didn't ask if i liked black people. he asked if i would like a black man. it doesn't matter the colour of a person's skin. it's the colour of their heart. and as i say a white heart i mean because i think of white as pure. and as i say that that sounds like a racist remark.

i think of Jesus at the transfiguration when his clothes became white...

we are all the same

there is an old woman sitting on the ground on a main street of san jose begging for money. people pass her by.

there is a prostitute dying of aids, wearing a sign around her neck, having her dog do tricks at the bus station in san jose and asking for money. people shun her.

there is an old, shabbily dressed man at the soccer game last sunday. watching as all the players and fans line up to buy a plate of fried chicken, rice and yucca. his shirt was open and you could see his ribs. people ignore him.

we are all the same in the eyes of God. help me, feed me Jesus says. give to whoever asks He says.

would you? would you feed Jesus if He looked like an old, shabbily dressed man? would you give to a prostitute dying of aids or an old woman sitting on the ground? or would you pass them by?

or would you buy a lottery ticket?

vision mundial (world vision)

yesterday i went to vm again and took jose with me as a translator. it's been on my heart to do something and although i have no idea what i have been thinking about the women's programs. i have seen them at work when i was here in february and thought maybe i could help in los chiles. also depending what the programs were it would be something i could share with the women in amparo. i know i can't speak the language but i think i can communicate enough to tell them how much God loves them and what an awesome new life they can have in Christ. is this why i'm here? if jill and cheryl touched my heart in mission can i in turn touch someone else's heart. can i show them Christ's love and help them to understand they don't have to live the same way and how they can change their life. Father if this is according to Your will (and i'm feeling that it is) i know You will unconfuse the language for me and Your Spirit will use me to speak Your truth to the women's group.

besides the fact that this is on my heart, i never get up and out the door this early to get the bus as i did today. other than vm is in their office on fridays and i had arranged to meet with them yesterday, you never see them. because i left the house so early today i didn't even have coffee or anything to eat (that's not like me) so i decided to have coffee at the bus station when i arrived. who should appear but the same vm guy i (jose) talked to yesterday. in my limited spanish i asked him when the women's group got together and he told me. i was so happy. more ''coincidences'' - no such thing.

whatever it is these women need to hear - obviously about Jesus, maybe i've had similar experiences that i can relate and show how God has changed my life and He can change theirs.

the answers are in the bible

i have read the bible from beginning to end a couple of times, the nt a lot of times. what i have found since i've been here is that every time i'm feeling down, struggling with some issue or just have a crappy day (thankfully not too often) i talk to God about it (that's the key) He always leads me to the scripture that i've read many times before and either i didn't understand it at the time or it wasn't relevant at the time but it gives me the answer i need at the time i need it.

He is so amazing and just loves us so much.

another act of selflessness - love

it was pouring rain at the soccer field last sunday. danny put his uniform on and is shivering from the cold so i gave him my sweatshirt from my backpack. a few minutes later he asks jonny if he's cold and when he says he is danny takes off the sweatshirt to give to his older brother, he is still shivering but jonny is warmer. reminds me of the time we had ice cream. someone had left 2 spoonfuls in the container. there wasn't much point in having 2 spoonfuls. i had 1 and danny asked if he could have the other. when i said yes he took it to his mother and gave it to her. he keeps the music really low when others are sleeping. he's so considerate of others.

he tells me to go into my bedroom. i see that he has washed and waxed the floor for me.

God's presence

it was a full house here on saturday and very noisy so i went to the church for some quiet time alone. later jose asked me if i felt God's present there and i told him i feel Him whenever-wherever we're alone together. jose said that he knew God was everywhere but felt His presence especially in the church. i talked with God and worshiped Him for 4 hours. it was very emotionally draining. then i went home for dinner and back to church for another 2 hours. maybe because i don't understnad the language or the culture church here doesn't have the same effect on me as it does on them. i'm an emotional person but they really get emotional. i am not as moved by church here as i am at home. i would have to be dead (or in costa rica) to miss nh. and i do miss nh. as far as talking to God. He's not some unapproachable, high and mighty (well He is that) King sitting on His throne (well He is that too) that we have to make an appointment with to get an audience. and this may be the hard part for some who were abused by their fathers but He's our Dad who wants to talk with us. He wants us to talk to Him about our joys and our sorrows. just anything and everything. just talk to Him - cuz He's always there, He's always listening. when you need to talk to someone He's always available and believe me i talk to Him a lot. he's the only one that understands completely how i feel and what i need. if someone or something is bugging me here who am i gonna talk to. mimi doesnt' speak english and the boys speak a different language entirely. when i get frustrated with someone i know i have to take every thought captive to God cuz the enemy would love to cause division and i don't want to let him get his foot in the door. when i need an answer He directs me to where i will find it or just puts it on my heart.

God blows me away

for as much as i thought i would like to go with pastor and jose to guatemala i didn't like the idea of travelling for 3 days on a bus with a 1 year old in what i imagined at least 35 degree weather. i can't imagine a child who's just discovered they can move around on 2 feet having to sit still for 3 days.

then pastor says they will go in june instead. a 6 month old will sleep through most of the 3 days.

this is so typical of what God has been doing in my life.

2 years ago when susy came here for 8 months i thought what an awesome opportunity. i never thought it would be possible for me until this year when i came home. i could see God's hand in it as different things happened. it was almost freaky the last two weeks of july and then daily the last week of july as i thought things - they would happen. i even told God He was freaking me out (several times) the way He was making things happen.

maybe this is nothing but i was kinda thinking i wasn't going to go to guatemala. the fact that it's in june now i think i will go. so is this ''coincidence'' that the date is changed.

pastor asked if i was thinking about it. if nothing else it would be a trip through central america. whether or not there is an opportunity to serve God, to see a new mission field, i don't know. i know if God wants me to go He will pave the way for me.

beauty - her name is marjini

she is the most incredibly beautiful child i have ever seen. after my own daughter and grandchildren of course. she is a 4 year old nicaraguan. scott and nathan fell in love with her 2 years ago, she and jordanna fell in love this year. she has a doll named jordanna and the first thing she asked me when she saw me was if jordanna was with me. she is being raised by her single mom and grandfather in los chiles. they will have to keep a very close eye on her to keep her safe as she grows more beautiful.

soccer

they live for it here. last sunday going to a soccer game danny was showing me points of interest - they were all soccer fields that he likes.

2 busloads of people went to the game last sunday. they should have separated the adults - little kids from the team on the way home. danny scored 3 goals, jonny scored 3 goals, both teams won their games. needless to say it was a very loud ride home. the boys were so wired they were singing and dancing. my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much.

He's always there when i need Him

last week when i walked home in the monsoon mimi phoned the principal to come and get me in his truck. when i got home she said she had been worried about me cuz the week before the principal had been stopped on the road and held up at gunpoint by 3 masked men about 2 kms away from home.

i told her about a story i'd heard about a woman walking home alone and how she felt she was being followed. (for those of you that know the story please forgive me if i have the details wrong) she prayed asking God for protection. later that night when the police questioned her to see if she could identify the suspect, who it turned out had raped another woman walking alone, she asked why the man had not attacked her. the police said the suspect saw that she had 2 large men walking with her so he left her alone.

i was reminded of that last night as i was walking home alone again. two men flew past me riding what i thought were very nice, new bicycles. as i continued walking i noticed they had stopped further up the road and were watching me. i thought of the principal and the story of the woman walking alone. i asked God for His protection. i wasn't afraid because i knew God was with me. i wondered if the men saw something i didn't because they turned and rode off.

who knows.

i just know that i am loving all the time i am spending with God. for all the people that thought i was crazy to come here i pray that they would get to know God in the same way, that they would rejoice in the same intimate, loving relationship.

i trust in Him, in His love to give me what i need, when i need it. when i'm walking home and i'm tired He provides a ride. when the sun is blaring He provides cloud cover. He is there in every simple thing of life that we may not even think of.

how do we...

share God's love with people when we can't speak the language. danny and jose have asked me in the past why i am always smiling and i have said because God lives in my heart. what is our mission field when you can't speak to people and don't do anything?

for as much as i said it would be an amazing opportunity to travel through central america i wonder how God could use me. i'm not doing very well learning the language, it seems everyone wants to practice their english with me. if i can't communicate with people how can i tell them about God. it's been said that they would see God's love in me but if they don't know God how is that possible.

guatemala

pastor jose was on the bus when i got on this morning. he doesn't speak english but we managed. his wife is due to have her baby very soon and he said that he is going to go to guatemala in december 2005 to show his father his new baby. he had already asked jose to come with him. he said it's a 3 day bus ride through nicaragua, honduras and el salvador to get there.

today he asked me to come with them. wow! what a wonderful opportunity that would be. God did tell me i was only in costa rica for one year. i don't have a job or house to go back to. i have felt that i won't be returning to costa rica on a missions trip. maybe never i don't know, maybe just for family visits. maybe costa rica has run it's course, and maybe it's time to head into a new field.

maybe God is opening another door for me in guatemala. like i have said it will all unfold according to God's will and time.

as i contemplated the idea of a new mission field i was saddened as i thought of another dream not being realized. my joy returned though as i thought of the plans He knows He has for me.

the widow's offering luke 21.4

i am reminded of this walking home tonight. danny ended up in los chiles today and as we were walking home tonight we met 3 girls he goes to school with. as we said goodbye to them danny gave his money to cindy, a petite, 16 year old girl he calls his baby. for all his 17 years he said he feels like her father, her protector, she lives with her mother and brother as her father is in jail for trying to rape her. danny gets 300 colones (less than $1) a day for lunch. he said if cindy doesn't have a lunch he will give her his or he will give her 250 colones and keep 50 colones for himself to buy candy. they leave the house at 6 am and don't return til 4 pm. no wonder he's always so hungry when he comes home from school.

some nights he goes to bed at 7.30 cuz he's so dead tired. other nights while his brothers are playing soccer, he teaches math so he can earn a few colones. he uses it to buy his brothers school books, he gives it to his father when he has no money for food and he gives it to cindy. he has nothing himself but what he gets he gives to others who have less.

it makes me ashamed that i count pennies.

he's said that if people would pay him to play soccer he would build a new church, then buy musical instruments for the church, then buy a new keyboard for jose, then a new house for his mother. never has he mentioned anything that he would spend on himself.

some of us don't give out of our 'wealth'. how many would give out of their poverty.

soccer teams

we help to support a couple of boys soccer teams in amparo. danny and jose play in div. a and jonny and meffi play in div. b. last sunday both teams won. the game was about 1 hour drive away and a whole bunch of us piled in a cattle truck for the ride there and back. the cheering was very loud and most of the way home. they were all so happy. we left at 10 and returned about 6.30. the kids were all yelling the usual winning sports cheers i guess and as we pulled into amparo the truck's horn was blaring and the boys continuous yelling was to the maximum. it was so cool to see them all so happy. i felt sorry for div b though. there may be 2 teams but there are only enough shirts for 1 team so whoever plays the second game gets to wear a well worn, very ripe shirt.

there is a soccer game almost every sunday. next sunday we go to aqua zacas, near san carlos. the boys are winning most of their games and i have become a soccer mom. i used to go to my daughter's soccer games but they play in the cold and the rain. i like it much better here.

soccer shoes are called tacos and i bought myself a pair so i could play with the boys in the front yard. yesterday jose was teaching me how to control the ball. they have tried to get me to play at the park. not a chance. they have suggested i play on the girls teams. they're out of their minds. if nothing else i'm getting exercise and the boys are getting a good laugh. i have also learned that you don't play in white shorts.

modesty

there's certainly none of it here. bathroom noises can be heard by everyone throughout the house. everyone comes out of the shower in their towel and you never know how many men, women or children might be sitting at the kitchen table or living room. everyone brushes their teeth at the laundry sink in front of whoever might be in the kitchen at the time. you never know when you get up in your pajamas how many other people have spent the night until you make your way across the bodies sleeping on the floor.

the boys live in their boxers around the house and it's so natural here. i have been to friends houses at home and the boys are in their boxers and it's like quick get some pants on.

trust - paranoia or naivete

last week while i was sitting in the internet cafe a truck stopped in front and a man sat there smiling at me. i recognized him although i don't know where from and we waved at each other. he sat there for a few seconds but didn't get out of his truck so i turned back to the computer. people greet each other here with hugs and kisses and one night last march coming home from church some guy with a woman and child hugged and kissed me and wanted me to go with him. as it turned out it wasn't for coffee and when he came in the compound where we stay in los chiles jose had to tell him to get lost. i wondered if this was the same man but as he drove away i was left wondering where i knew him from.

after working in the cop shop for so many years i got into the habit of always locking my house and car doors. i would lock my truck when i stopped to get gas. i would lock my front door if i was working in the backyard and vice versa. and then i hug and kiss some stranger on the street just because i thought he had just been in the same church with me.

if everything i have is from God...

the combined family income here is about $315 cdn a month. this feeds and clothes 9 people and educates 6 boys still remaining at home. 3 others have already left. and if you look at the cluster of shacks down the road that people live in... women and children with no means of support... no welfare, no medical... i have spent 3 weeks worth of milk just at the internet today...

i gotta tell ya - i really struggle with the vast gulf between the haves and the have nots.

i've seen the dirt floor, bamboo wall shacks the poor live in. and in february i snuck into a 5 star resort that the rich stay in at the beach. i know it's everywhere but it's sickening.

if you think you've got it tough

try cutting the grass with a machete

chopping down a tree (3) and making firewood with an axe

i see a wizened up little old lady carrying a bag of groceries and i want to get off the bus and carry it for her.

a simple act

of love can bring such joy. this morning danny came in my room looking for something. afterwards he said he saw that i was praying and wondered what he could do to make me happy. he remembered that i didn't have any headphones for the cd player that i use to sing english worship songs to. he played a few on their cd player that he knows that i like and the next thing i know he's getting the 2 cd's off my bed that i always listen and worship to and for the next hour played worship music for me. a simple act for him gave me so much joy.

2 cor 8.14

'at the present time your plenty will supply what they need so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need.'

i have wondered frequently why i am here. susan had asked me to send blurbs home so she could let the rest of the church know what i was doing. i'm not doing anything. what can i say.

in july when i decided to quit my job and come here for a year i was all gung ho to 'help'. at what i didn't know but i wanted to 'do something'.

when i came i came with enough money to last a few months but have spent most of it in the first month.

i have struggled with the fact that i'm not doing anything. and i have struggled with the issue of money. i have been told to set a budget and stick to it. i have been told they'll take advantage of me and i have wondered about it myself. i have been told that giving them money and paying the bills is not helping them in the long run but rather harming them.

i have been praying a lot about these two things. i have been reading my bible trying to find the answer. i've been torn between what the bible says and what people are telling me. as i considered the advice i was given last week i thought of the bible. it's God Word, it's the Truth, it's God's guide for how He wants us to live our lives. i have read lots on giving and don't recall ever reading anything in the bible that says when to stop giving. when or where to draw the line.

this am i wondered again why i'm here. i felt i was getting more than i was giving and thought how wrong it was. then i realized the blessed gift i've been given. i have been given a family to love and care for for a year. i'm being a mom and a housewife, minus the husband, and it's keeping me very busy and i'm loving it.

never doubt that God will give you what you need when you need it. 'at the present time your plenty will supply what they need so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need.'

God answered both my prayers at once...

there's no such thing as coincidence. God is in control and He will direct your steps. and He did... to 2 cor 8.14. i wasn't looking for it. i wanted to see what chico was reading, 2 cor 5.7. we live by faith, not by sight and as i flipped the pages 8.14 caught my eye.

God is so awesome. His love is more amazing than mere words can express.

if God isn't your first love you are missing out. if you love your husband, your wife or your children more than God you are missing out... on the most beautiful, precious, amazing, awesome, wonderful, incredible love. i can't describe the joy. it cannot be expressed in words. such a perfect love, complete unequalled by any other.

love

it's 6 am, the boys have gone to school and mimi and patricio are in the kitchen giggling. i wonder how they see each other now, 30 years and 8 kids later. do they still see that beautiful person they first fell in love with, that beautiful heart that touched theirs like no other. loving each other like God loves us. do their hearts even care how they've changed on the outside? he's 59, has gained a few pounds, has white hair, although he dyes it to keep it black, she's 46 and has gained a few pounds too.

it's our own insecurites that make us think we are less than we are. our vanity that makes us want others to see us as we want to see ourselves.

but God doesn't care about the outside. He's only concerned with the heart, whether it's beautiful or not.

real love isn't superficial or shallow - it's deep. it sees past physical disabilities, numbers don't mean anything, whether they are ages or pounds, it's colour blind, it's why a husband continues to take care of his wife with alzheimer's even after she no longer knows who he is. deep down inside one heart touches another and they become one, they are connected. they have something very precious and beautiful, a blessed gift from God.

why do other people, christians to boot, feel compelled to criticize and say things like why would that handsome man want to tie himself down to a woman who lives in a wheelchair, why doesn't that old man put his wife in a nursing home, why would that white woman marry that coloured man, what does that skinny man see in that overweight woman.

in case you still haven't gotten it, it's love, it's the tie that binds.

it's not the beautiful people, high school quarterback and popular cheerleader kind of love, although anything's possible. it's the beautiful hearts, deep, lasting. physical feathers may attract us but won't keep us.

if you are blessed to have that kind of love - hang on to it and ignore the critics, if you are one of those critics - shut up. it's none of your business. if you can't be happy for others then you must not have that kind of love yourself and need to look deep within your own heart. before God filled my heart i would look and some couples and wonder what they saw in each other. now i know.

if God isn't filling your heart don't expect anyone else to.

fear

last night i was going to catch the 5 o'clock bus from los chiles but there wasn't one. it was a 6 o'clock bus that didn't leave til 6.10 then stopped in the middle of the highway in a monsoon cuz there was a problem with the brakes. i phoned jose to tell him i would be late and jose said he or danny would walk to meet me because it wasn't safe, it was dark and it was raining.

holy smokes - it's another freaking monsoon happening right now.

anyway i got off the bus and started walking and after awhile i got a ride. walking in a monsoon is something else again. although it was a new experience i appreciated the ride. when i thought of being afraid i wasn't. i thought nobody can take from me what God isn't willing to give.

love, marriage, commitment, forgiveness

what is it about love that is so hard to figure out. why do we make a commitment to love, honour and cherish another human being til death do us part and then pack it in in a year or 2 or 10. i could've cried when i heard of another family breakdown. it made me angry and i wanted to scream and shout. why is it that we will work forever in the same job but when we have to work on our marriages we quit. a marriage takes 3 to make it work. our first love is God, our 2nd love is our spouse. once that is established our priorities are set. after God no one and nothing is more important than our spouse, not our chilren, not our friends, not our jobs. that's who we made the commitment to, to put them first in our lives before all else and all others. what part of forever do we not understand. what was once upon a time they lived happily ever after 100 years ago has become once upon a time they lived happily til they quit working on it and said to hell with it. how many times have we been told to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. i hate divorce - it's killing our families. so many broken homes, broken hearts, broken dreams. if you think i have it all figured out you're wrong. all i know is i would rather remain single for the rest of my life than break the heart of the man i love.

walked with God

i really needed to get away the other day and decided to go to los chiles. an hour walk to the highway and another 40 minute walk up the hiway just cuz the bus wasn't there yet. it was good, very good. i finally had quiet time - just God and me. at home i can crank the cd up so the headphones are louder than the other sounds in the house and worship but i am so used to having complete quiet time with God. i didn't realize how much i missed it. i had thought of going to the church but people stop in there too.

why do we cry

when we leave here every time? last night danny said that he and his friends will all cry at graduation because they will all be going off to different lives, universities, after being together every day for so many years. he wondered why we all cry when we've only been here a week. he says he cries because we're all crying but why do we cry? for those of you that have - why?

i miss the quiet times with God

there's no such thing around here. even in the middle of the night when i wake up it's usually because the roosters are making such a racket.

antz and other critters

are not sweet, cute little things as depicted in the movies. they are evil, vicious, voracious little beasties that are out for blood. i've resorted to pouring boiling water on their hills.

cockroaches climb up the inside of my netting to get on my bed.

one day while laying on my bed i had an itch on the side of my leg and when i went to scratch it a frog jumped out of my shorts. it had somehow, unbeknownst to me crawled up the side of my shorts as i was laying down. it hopped across the bed and i can say i was very thankful it was a frog and not a spider. my skin crawls at the thought.

i am trying to live and let live but when i went to take my underwear off the line inside the house there was a huge freaking spider on one of them. i screamed of course. jose knocked it away but i couldn't get the rest of my underwear off the line cuz i didn't know where the spider had gone.

hijos (sons)

i was taking jeffrey and yrlin to school every day for their lunch and the principal has called them my sons, the store clerk has also called them my sons.

a lady had to go to the hospital in the ambulance (it's the only way to go when you don't have a car) and jeffrey's mom went with her. he was on the ground crying and screaming, mad that she left without him. mimi called me his mom and to come over. he wouldn't let anyone else touch him but he let me pick him up and carry him home. i didn't know any comforting words in spanish but i guess the tone of my voice helped and he was almost asleep by the time i laid him down on his bed.

today mimi said her sons are my sons. it's a weird thing i don't undersand but maybe it's just the culture. it's like everyone fends for themselves, everyone will make themselves a meal but never anyone else. mimi will cook something for herself and sit down and eat it. i don't know if it's a culture thing or that the boys are 13 - 22 years old and big enough to fend for themselves or what. during the week i make lunch for patricio, jose and chico. then i make dinner for all the boys when they come home from school at 4. on the weekends mimi and patricio cook something for themselves and then i'll make breakfast for all the boys. i don't get it.

meffi's birthday - 15th

i don't know who was more joyful - meffi for getting new soccer shoes or me. he admired the box at first then slowly removed each piece of tape. his face lit up like fireworks on the 4th of july. because they share absolutely everything else this may have been more special because they would be his very own. if any of the boys are going to be playing soccer they all will be playing so they will each be wearing their own shoes. everyone in the house had to try them on and then they all had to try on the ones i bought for myself. everyone from the youngest boy to the mother and father.

for as much as someone might get a gift it's almost like it's not really theirs because everyone else will use it.

who would've thought

four years ago that the cocky little 13 year old boy would turn out to be the quiet, very smart, romantic, sweet, affectionate young man he is today. he always worries about me and tells me to be careful.

if you love someone

touch them, kiss them, hug them, tell them. your husband, your wife, your kids, your grandchildren, your parents and siblings, your friends. in our busy hectic lives take the time to show and tell someone you love them. small, intimate, tender gestures that say i love you and mean so much. if you love someone express that love. what may seem so simple for you may mean the world to whoever you love. and if it's so simple - just do it - cuz it really is so simple and it really does mean so much. show them, simple little acts of kindness, listen to them, play with them, spend time with them, treasure them, support them, encouarge them, love is a previous gift from God. it's free. don't forget it, don't throw it away, don't let it slip away. take care of it, protect it. so you don't turn around one day and find it's gone. how sad that is.

the most precious gift

i have the most precious gift and i want to give it to you. it's my most treasured possession, it means everything to me. you can have it - it's yours- it's free for the asking - if you want it. there is one small catch though - it's not mine to give. although i have it i can't give it to everyone. there's enough to go around, every one of us can have this very same most precious gift. it's really very simple. just ask - that's all - just ask for it. what is it? it's called salvation. remember - it's free and who wants to turn down a free gift. and who do you ask for this most precious gift - Jesus - He is the giver of all good things and He wants to give you this precious gift and asking Him is the only way to receive this gift. what is this gift you ask? it's the most beautiful, incredible, awesome, amazing love you will ever know. it is joy beyond your wildest imaginations, it is peace, even in the midst of grief and suffering, it is hope for a hopeless life and a hopeless world, it is freedom - from all the burdens of this world - shame, guilt, fear, worry, it is forgiveness - for every wrong ever committed. and remember - it's free and it's free for every single person man, woman and child. whether you're rich or poor or whether you think you are good or bad. Jesus loves every one of us and wants to give each one of us His most precious gift - Himself. no matter what you do you can't earn it - it's a gift and it's free. please - just ask - you have no idea what you're missing.

i am so blessed

there's rarely any physical displays of affection here although it's evident they love each other. i don't know if it's a God thing or what but for as much as they don't hug and kiss each other i get kisses or hugs or both when they come from and go to school and at night or just an affectionate touch on my arm or shoulder or head. and being a touchy, feely kind of person i love it.

very content

i could quite easily live here. or be a housewife. chico has asked me a few times if he could come to canada and live with me. today he was getting the fire started, i was washing the beans and as i walked outside carrying a pot of beans to put on the fire i felt such contentment. i couldn't have imagined anything else that i wanted to do more. i was never a stay at home mom. i was either a single mom or the sole breadwinner. i am really enjoying all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and taking care of this family. i play soccer with the boys (i even bought my own soccer shoes which are called tacos), i'm their masseuse, i translate all the english songs they like. i can't imagine doing anything else. when danny was telling me about he and jonny going off to university in a year i felt such a sadness, like when your children grow up and leave home, except these aren't my boys.

love each other and take care of each other and enjoy each other because all too soon they'll be gone.

future goals

jose is going to go to san vito (near panama) to live with eilyn and she is going to help him get a job teaching english. he said we could go together for a couple of weeks this summer (december or january). maybe i could take a side trip to panama. danny and jonny have 1 more year of school and then they both want to go to university. danny could go to university at san vito because it's cheaper there. he wants to teach grade 11 and 12 math. he teaches math now to students in amparo. he's very smart, in math especially, he missed 1 question in what he said was like the costa rica math olympics and was chosen by his school to represent the school at an all high school conference. jonny would have to go to san jose to go to university because he wants to be a doctor. marcos is a nurse but he wants to go back to university to become a doctor. last night we were talking about university and how expensive it is here. ok i don't know how much it would cost in canada but they told me it is really expensive here. $1200 - A YEAR!!! jonny thought maybe he should study in canada because it would be cheaper - uh NOT! they want to go to university but don't know how it would be possible because it costs so much money and they don't have any.

i think of the $ a person spends a month smoking or drinking, burning it up, throwing it away. and compare it to the chance these boys would have to go to university. if one person smoking a pack a day gave up smoking they could send 2 boys to university here. who knows - one who one day may find a cure for lung cancer to heal his ex-smoking sponsor who put him through school. hey you never know what's possible unless you ask.

then there's moises, another little boy here in los chiles. he is 12 and has never been to school because his father is gone and his mother works all day. he stays home to take care of his 3 younger siblings. los chiles is the other village in costa rica where the team spends a week every march. he may never get a chance to go to school.

another school near amparo has teenagers in grade one because they've never had the opportunity to go to school before.

simple things we take for granted.

saprissa

is the family's favourite soccer team. todays paper has an ad for tryouts. these boys live to play soccer & danny and jonathan both want to go. they were so excited but danny very nonchalantly pointed out the the rather large cost involved. he is a very good player and it would be an awesome opportunity for him and jonny. what a dream for a couple of boys - to try out for their favourite soccer team. the rather large cost involved - about $9.00 canadian. what may be a rather large cost for them is really rather an insignificant amount for us. last night jose phoned to register them. they were excited and i was so excited for them. it would such a shame to miss out on such a golden opportunity.

my address in costa rica

Teri Boyd
Casa de Patricio y Miriam Rojas Sosa
15 metros Norte de la Iglesia Pentecostal
San José del Amparo
Los Chiles, Costa Rica

hard way to make a $

2 little girls have come to the house today. 1 was selling candy and the 2nd time a girl was selling peppers. the family doesn't have $ to buy candy so they sent her away. i went after her, she was only about 7 or 8 going barefoot door to door trying to earn $ to put food on the familys table. i bought a couple bags but if i'd known it was fudge (delicious) i'd have bought her whole stash. we have peppers so mimi didn't buy any. i caught her before she got away and bought a bag. i don't know what i'll do for work when i return but don't imagine it will be as hard as what these little girls do.

pastor jose

i think he's going to be very good for the church and amparo. he had relatives there the first night and they were wearing jeans and he talked about how God sees what we look like on the inside and He doesn't care what we look like on the outside. someone has since come to church in jeans. hm - just like home. he used to be a teacher in guatemala. he wants to build a room for the children to have a sunday school. last night about 12 kids went outside to have a bible study. he believes that we need to teach the children because they are the future. Yrlin and jeffrey were there too. cool! i have yet to find out what teaching supplies he needs. he needs the teachers first but there is a definite need for bibles. for people of all ages.

home is where the heart is

i had a new house in canada. i filled it with plants, i mean a lot of plants, except for my computer all the rooms i lived in faced the sun. it was nice and it suited me. but i never wanted to spend a lot of time there. it was just a house. now i have no indoor plants but i'm surrounded by beauty outside. mango, banana, tamarindo, orange, lime, apple, guanabana, plantain, papaya and avocado trees abound as well as pineapple, sugar cane and something else i can't remember. i can sweep the floor and the dirt will fall through the holes in the floor to the ground below. there's no glass in the house, the walls and the windows are unfinished boards. the walls are about 1 1-2' short of the roof so the light filters in through the spaces between the boards and the holes and the large gap between the walls and the roof. i don't need to open a window or door to see people come and go i just look through the gaps or holes, there's rats, there's sci-fi sized cockroaches and spiders, i sleep under a mosquito net at night so as hopefully not to get eaten alive by mosquitoes that will give me malaria or dengue fever. i could tell you about the bathroom but don't want to gross out those of you with weak stomachs. i keep my clothes in a suitcase under my bed.

but this is home. and i love it here.

it's an 8 km walk under a blistering sun or a tropical monsoon just to get to where you can get a bus to go anywhere. at home i'd drive 1 k to the store.

i was content in mission and i am content here because God was with me there and He is with me here. wherever i am I AM is.

carnage on the highways

they drive insanely here, either they are all colour blind or red means green and green means green. they frequently drive into oncoming traffic and on the wrong side of the road on a blind corner. you really have to trust God with your life and stop worrying about the driving here. the papers are regularly filled with pictures of bodies sprawled across the road. i can't imagine being a cop here. traffic accidents are the biggest cause of death here. you really have to detach yourself from your work attending all the accidents here and you have to appreciate what all the cops have to live with.